Have you guys (and girls) all had that time when you reckoned that you gunned a test, and then got it back, only to be disappointed because you got less than average/bottom of the class/90%richcunts? What went through your mind? Most of it was something along the lines of "I'm dead" or "My parents will bury me in knee deep shit in hell" or "God damn son, back to China rice patty I go"...Well, having been in PLENTY of those situations myself, I will write a guide to help you all
STEP 1. DON'T PANIC!
You will know this if you've read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. LOLJK I'm being perfectly serious. We all get bad marks sometimes, mistakes are learning opportunities, be blessed that you have more learning opportunities than Andy Tran or whoever is smart :J
STEP 2. REFLECT ON YOUR RESULTS.
Ladies and gentlemen, this step is the most important one. If you look at your test and say (and don't lie to yourself) "I tried really hard, I studied and all..." then fuck off this blog and tell your parents what you think. Because if you attempt the next few methods I will list, you will dig yourself deeper in your ditch. If you reflect on your results, and think "I didn't give a rat's ass what I got, but my parents did", then go to...
STEP 3. BULLSHIT IT.
Go to the more placid of your parents (Mum in my case) and bullshit it to her. You can bullshit in one of two ways.
1. Change your mark.
Example: 45/60 is the average for a test. You got 43. Write a +3 and sign it with a fake signature can be very effective, and grants you a "legit" 46 mark.
PROS:
- Relatively easy to do. A red felt tip and a phony signature does the trick.
- Can seem legitimate. Especially if you do it right. (Red felt tip and phony signature)
- Almost untraceable because Asian parents never can be bothered asking for the real mark from a teacher.
CONS:
You're fucked if:
- Your best friend grassed you up to his/her mum, who in turn calls your mum
- You bullshit too hard (If you get 20/50 and say you got 49/50, that's fucken obvious)
- Your mum knows when you bullshit.
Works best if you have a mildly gullible parent.
2. Change your friends' marks.
Example: You got 43/60 for an exam. You can simply say to your parents that your friends got 42, 41 and 39 and one of your friends got 45. Seems legit.
PROS:
- If your friends can back it up, then you can get away with it. Always.
- Easier than having to use a felt tip and dodgy siggys. All verbal work. You can train to be a salesman.
CONS:
- You're a goner if your friends' parents know their REAL mark and if they decide to call your mum up.
- If you're a shitty bser then don't try this. Stick to the felt tip trick.
3. Change the statistics of the test.
Example: You got 43/60 in an exam. By saying that the average for the exam is 41, you've saved your own butt big time.
PROS:
- Again, all verbal work, and is untraceable if you and your friends say the same thing.
- This method benefits everyone. Except parents.
CONS:
- You die if you can't bs properly
- You die if your friend thinks its funny to tell his/her mum that the average was 48/60
STEP 3. PLAY IT COOL.
If you're tense as shit and your armpit sweat drenches your shirt, you'll be caught out instantly and you will be fucked over more so than ever before (like facing the gallows). So, to be a good liar, you've gotta be convincing. Since lying is much like an act of crime in your household, let me teach you some techniques to play it cool so your parents buy your bullshit.
1. Take some deep but not noisy breaths.
This helps calm your nerves and adrenaline, so you don't suddenly break down and cry and say "I got 41 blub blub blub T___T" or lose your temper when your mum finds out that you were lying..."SHUT UP YA SHITCUNT BITCH!!1!" Don't make them noisy because you'll feel like a retard and your parents will start to doubt you.
2. Look at them in the eye.
This is a challenge for them to see if they trust you or not. If you avoid eye contact like a real criminal, your parents will instagib you. So start them down. Don't be all dominant and shit and stare at them with the WATTAHEAD eyes, and don't be all teary and innocent, because that blows your ploy to bits. Stare at them in the eye and accept the challenge. This is the mind games. The point is to look at them hard enough so that you erase any of their doubt and they buy your story. AKA Intimidation.
STEP 4. RELISH IN YOUR SUCCESS.
By now, you should be in your room feeling secure and safe because your parents have believed your thinly veiled lies. This step is also known as "Rotting in Hell" for those that have been caught out as a dirty lying muppet by their parents. However, I can guarantee that if you follow my guide and both you and your friends have a few brain cells, you will NEVER be caught out as a butthead.
STEP 5. RECOVERY PHASE.
This is the final step. Just because you managed to bullshit them once, doesn't mean that your next bad test bullshit is gonna be believed by your parents. In all honesty, bullshitting is like delaying a time bomb. You can spew your crap to your parents all you want, but at the end of the day, you're only bullshitting yourself. This is the time when you truly reflect on your experience in the test, and make a commitment to achieving a proper result in your next test. This is because getting a decent mark in an exam is easier than weaseling out of a nasty situation.
That marks the end of my first guide. Any questions, leave them in the comment below and I will answer them. If they're really good questions then I'll add it into this post in a FAQ section below.
Cheers, and thanks for putting up with me :)
It's a shame I'm too good at maths =D
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